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Alexander Stewart
Alexander Stewart

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Mary Eberstadt made some valuable points regarding the narcissism of our current confessional mentality and about the libido-numbing influence of porn on our men. But I thought that her failure to mention the impact of the sterilization of sex, especially marital sex, was a serious oversight. The shift in our understanding of sex from a sacramental and life-changing encounter to the thing you do with your friends when you’re bored has made all of our relationships shallower and made each of us less capable of the profound gift of self on which marriage is founded. Sex that has been deprived of the capacity for the generation of new life is a hollow and self-serving exercise. It is the power to cooperate with the creator in his act of creation that gives sex so much of its power to bind and deepen our marriages. It is only when we can acknowledge and cooperate with this potential that we come face to face with the danger and beauty of the sexual act. The sterilization of marriage leaves us focused on our own satisfaction, thereby robbing us of the capacity to forget ourselves in sexual union. C.S. Lewis reminds us that joy can be ours only when we forget to look for it and also forget our own desire for it. We can live that self-forgetful love in our sexual lives only to the degree that we are open both to the power inherent in the (unsterilized) sexual act and to the desires and needs of the other. Caitlin Flanagan, with her “I’m so put upon because I work and keep house, but marriage is better for the children” thinking, and Sandra Tsing Loh, with her “Don’t bother, you’ll only get burned” bitterness, have (not surprisingly) missed the point that unsterilized marriage is a great adventure, one that opens your horizons to love beyond self-satisfaction. As a homeschooling mother of seven in a porn-free, Natural Family Planningonly (and only when absolutely necessary) marriage, I have lived some small measure of that satisfaction that comes in a marriage lived with all the danger and beauty it can hold. I wanted to shout out to Flanagan and Loh, “Come on in. The water’s fine!” Thank you for the courage and thoughtfulness of your excellent magazine.

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